Fine I'm pathetic. At least I face it instead of burying it miles down thinking it won't come up.

It seems only way for you to communicate is through spite and anger.

How different are you from your mother exactly?

Good ending or happy don't seem to be in your mind.

Don't spur what sincerity I offered.

이제는 그냥 화만 난다.

내가 뭘 하든 뭔 상관인데.

그렇게 나를 거미쥐려고 하면 뭐 달라지는게 있나?

그래도 난 멀어지는거지.

화를 내면, 나를 그렇게 비하하면 뭐가 달라지는데.

그냥 나를 이해해주면 뭐 어디 덧나냐고.

잠깐...생각나서 적은건데. 그게 너에게 너무 큰 상처가 된거인가...?

마음 쓰지 않았으면, 했어요 사실.

당신도 마지막으로 그에게 작별을 고하는 편지를 썼지. 물론 나와 공식적으로 사귀기 전이지만.

이것도 마찬가지로 봐줘요.

그냥 어쩌다가, 정말 어쩌다가 그 사람 소식을 들었어요.

새로운 사람 생긴거 같다고, 나 잊고 잘 살고 있다고.

그래서 마지막으로 인사하고 싶었어.

감정이 남아서 그런게 아니야, 절대로.

당신에게 보내는 내 감정은 진심이고, 그리고 나라는 인간에게서 뽑아낼수 있는 모든 것이라 봐도 무방합니다.

내가 그 사람에 대해서 기억하는게 있다면 그냥 미안함이지...그래서 인사하는겁니다.

미련도 아니고, 그리움도 아니오, 사랑은 더욱 아니오이다.

난 지금 당신만이니까.

So this is how it ends.

Knowing you, I expected it as much.

But I guess, this is better than what I expected, so I'm happy for you.

I see a lot of parallels between my case and your ex.

Or should I say, your ex-ex.

Already you found a replacement, one that hovered around you long before we were over.

Don't cry for me.

But let us remember in sadness, the joy that we had.

And let us remember the mistakes,

and not repeat them again.

You'll be really away from each other,

but still, if you find happiness in that, then we can finally move on.

I hope you are happy.

I hope you will be.

I hope you find someone better.

I don't know if you see my blog anymore.

But I'm sorry, I really am.

Sorry that things had to end this way.

I guess it's for the better, so I shouldn't apologize.

But I apologize for not keeping my promises.

To you,

To me.

I'm moving on, and so are you.

And that's how it is.

This is the last time I'm going to talk to you.

Farewell friend. I hope we talk again some time.

I hate this feeling.

Let me just describe to you how this feels.

It's the feeling of being pushed away,

the push, it is an act of distancing one away from another.

It is not just a physical distance, nor does it only come across as a gentle pressure.

It is a push to the heart, and heart against the wall.

Heart screams, but no-one can hear.

It's the feeling of facing smiles,

smiles that you know are fake,

smiles that normally accompany nice words,

that rings hollow in your ears.

It's the feeling of forcing down substances down your dry lips,

your lips and throat protest in turn, that it hurts, that it burns.

Yet can you stop.

You know you don't really like drinking or smoking, especially alone.

But you do it anyway, because you have nothing else to do.

And when you finally feel brave enough, or careless enough,

you will pick up your phone,

you will dial up that number,

and when you do, you won't be able to talk.

But you knew that. You still want to see her,

you think you'll be able to talk when you are face-to-face but -

deep inside you know you won't be able to. You shrug off that feeling.

You walk to her place.

To confirm that you killed your heart a long while back.

You heartless bastard.

두 갈래 길 앞에서

두 갈래 길 앞으로 다시 돌아왔다.

아니, 나는 새로운 길을 찾아 다시 걸어가고 있다. 다리는 벌써 힘차게 당신을 향해 걸어가고 있는지 오래 되었다. 팔은 당신을 보고, 내 손은 당신의 손에 익숙해진지 오래다. 내 몸은 과거를 잊었다.

내 심장은, 아니, 나는 현재 심장이 없다. 내 심장이 있어야 할 곳에는 빈 공간과 풀어진 붉은색 실타래만 있을 뿐이다. 원래 단단하게 실타래로 뭉쳐지고 그 위에 철갑까지 덮어놓았던 내 심장은, 최근 4개월동안 다 헤어지고, 풀어지고, 없어졌다.

아니면 내 환상일지도 모른다. 처음부터 없었고 원래 내게 남아있었던 것은 몸이 요구하는 동물적인 욕구였을지도. 사회적으로 성공하는거는 그런거 하나면 충분하니까.

빈 공간을 채워넣고 싶다. 최근 3-4개월의 있었던 일들은 내 심장을 비게 하기 충분하다. 남은건 더 없다. 그냥 몸에 각인된 습관 뿐이다.

네가 나를 오해하지 말아줬으면 한다. 하지만 내가 오해할 여지를 많이 남겨놓았으니 그것도 당연하겠지.

붉은색 실타래는 다 풀어져서 사방으로 흩어져있다. 나는 원래 실타래를 다시 만들어 원상태에 복귀 한 뒤에 너에게 선물하려 했다. 하지만 이제 알겠다. 오늘 네 얼굴, 아직도 내가 과거에 묶여있다는 것에 대한 충격, 슬픔, 상처, 말을 안해도 충분히 느꼈다. 내가 만약 정말로 과거에 묶여있다면 지금 혼란스럽겠지. 그런데 그건 아니다.

확실히 알겠는거는, 나는 너에게 붉은색 실타래를 다시 찾아서 너에게 주면 안된다는거다. 그거야말로 땅에 질질 끌려다녔으니, 세월과 기억과 추억이라는 것이 같이 묻어나겠지.

난 너와 같이 새로운 실타래를 만들려고 한다. 이건 내게, 그리고 너에게 하는 약속이다.

Self punishment.

I don't know why but I find myself listening to All about the rain by Alex Akimov over and over again.

Watching the video, I feel myself wincing over and over again and empathizing with the protagonist of the video.

And you know what, it hurts, but it's satisfying.

Where did it all go wrong....

It's all about the rain, that's all.

여기에서 난 내 삶의 반을 보냈어.

근데 여기서 유종의 미는 커녕 아무것도 걷지 못해가네.

친구도 잃고,

연인도 잃고,

여기서 남겨가는건 좋은 교육, 그거 하나다.

오늘로 이제 미련이 없어지는듯 해.

정말 아주 깔끔하게 미련을 버리게 해주더라고, 사람들이.

시험 봐야되니까 가서 마음 흔들어놓다던가 하는 나쁜짓은 안할께.

시험 다 끝나고 여기를 떠난 뒤에 봐.

보고싶어.

보고싶어. 여기 버리고 다른곳에서

what am i thinking nowadays.

I thought you might chase after me and say something.

Thought you might somehow grab me and tell me it's not what I think it is.

Thought you might be more outright than just looking at facebook.

Thought you might be more caring than just giving me a careless caress and silently ignoring my question.

If you want to sort something out, then do it.

Don't expect me to be the only one digging for answers.

I guess I fucked up big time yesterday.

Yea sure, I made it awkward for you didn't I.

I guess Anders is a lot better in that regards isn't he?

Why I'm feeling jealous that he's so close to you I don't know.

Maybe it's because I have noone here,

because I just saw and heard you say you will just pass the ipod to Anders,

only to see that a second later you are nowhere to be found.

And when I did find you, you were just away,

I'm not even sure if you forgot what you said or you didn't care.

Probably both.

And now I'm here trying to console my tired heart,

revisiting the places that we've been to

trying to think why and where it had gone wrong,

and trying to remember the times that we've had in school.

Now I sit where only we did,

where only we laid down

only we kept our secrets.

Do you remember?

Would you even read this in time?

Check my blog?

Do you care?

Being realistic and heartless are two different things.

I guess you are already gearing up to move on.

Can't blame you, and you should probably be doing that.

Because I'll never be the perfect, infinitely patient man you are looking for.

And when you do move on, I guess that will be the end then. No ties, no friendship, and no memories for me to look at.

And what will happen then, I wonder.

Because the apologies and reminiscence and longing only works when you do it a short while after,

Because when you actually say them, it's never in time for people meant for it to hear.

저지른 짓이 너무 많고, 잘못도 너무 많고, 죄도 많기에,

앞으로 짊어지고 갈 것들이 너무 많다.

어디서 부터 어떻게 잘못됬는지도 모를만큼 이상해져버렸다.

설사 넘지 말아야지 하는 것들도 넘어버리게 되는, 그런 인생.

도덕의 선이라는, 인간이 넘지 말아야되는 그 선 자체가 불분명한 이런 인생 어떻게 이해해야 하는가.

이해 할 수는 있는가.

이해 해야하기는 하는가.

살기 싫을 만큼 죄의 무게가 무겁다.

더럽다. 어떻게 해야할지 모를만큼 더럽다.

싫다. 죽도록 여기서 도망가고 싶다.

아프다. 여기서 하루 하루 서서 혼자라는 외로움이 내 살을 도려내는 것을 멈추고 싶다.

다시 시작하면 이런것들 다 버리고 가벼워질 수 있을까.

내 손이 다시 피와 흙이 묻지 않은 사람 손이 될 수 있을까.

단지 죄만 버리고 간다고 바뀌는게 있기는 할까.

앞으로 다시 이런 일을 저지르지 않을 자신이 있는가.

내 업보는 지고 가야될거 같다.

한 평생 반도 안살았는데 지은 죄는 누구보다도 무거운 듯 하다.

So people will talk. So what?

Dream

I dreamt last night.

Whether it was a dream infused with my wildest imagination, I don't know.

I dreamt of you talking to me.

I dreamt that conversation taking place again.

I dreamt of us talking again.

That will probably not happen for a long time to come.

Perhaps never.

왜 눈물은 흐르는걸까 근데....

나는 두렵습니다.

나는 무섭습니다.

나는 도망갑니다.

나는 겁쟁이,

잘못해놓고 도망가는 겁쟁이

상처받기 싫어 도망가는 겁쟁이

상처주기 싫어 도망가는 겁쟁이

거짓말에 거짓말에 거짓말로 자신을 감싸서 자신을 숨기는 겁쟁이

더럽고 추악한 자신을 보기 싫어 자신마저 거짓말로 속이는 겁쟁이

다 까발린 상황에서도 깨져버린 거짓의 파편들로 내 두 눈 가려보죠,

마치 괴물 앞에서 도망가기는 커녕 그냥 눈을 감아버리는 바보처럼

마치 칼 앞에 모든 것을 포기한 약한 사람처럼

마치 시한부 인생이 자신을 던저버리는 것처럼

가장 모두를 위하는 척하다가도 가장 작은 문제에 등을 돌려버리는 나는

세상에서 가장 이기적인,

가장 나쁜,

가장 악질인,

겁쟁이 입니다.

A walk

Let us walk away with a whistle on our lips,

laughter on our tongues,

smile in our eyes,

straight shoulders,

loose fists and,

jovial mood in our stride.

So that we may hide

the hurts

the tears

the sad endings

the fears

the crazies

that we hold in our hearts.

So that we may act as if

nothing's wrong,

that this is just temporary,

that this is just for a few days,

that this is just a small thing,

that this is just a transient pass

that we'll forget, with another to push this by.

So that we may not

have to face our faults,

the dirt,

the paint,

the blood

on our hands.

So that we may not

tarnish the memories,

the happy,

the sad,

the angry,

the fearful,

all which make up a beautiful picture of the time gone by.

So let us walk away with a whistle on our lips,

laughter on our tongues,

smile in our eyes,

straight shoulders,

loose fists and,

jovial mood in our stride,

because our time was the most beautiful in its own way.

And when we return,

may we have the strength to smile and greet each other with open arms.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a coward, that I realize.

I guess I have come to what it is.

I have to say, I'm sorry that things had to turn out this way.

All about the rain

I don't really look back in my life.

I'll have my share of mistakes and regrets, but I don't lock myself in it.

Rather, I just push through until I make it.

Or, until I make the same mistake again.

I watched a video, a music video by Alex Feather Akimov.

It's called All about the rain.

The story was so similar to ours, only in a different place with music in the background.

Makes me wonder where we stand now.

I'm with another girl, happy nonetheless,

and you, drifted away from my world, in another where things are a shade darker,

after a few boys of course.

We used to stand in the grey between the two worlds.

We compromised, to create a world for ourselves where everything was to our liking.

We both sacrificed and we both gained, to make some changes that may not be reversible.

We promised each other things that could not be.

Was it my cunning or my naivety, I'll never know.

Had I promised you false sense of security so that I could take you one night?

Only to run away when the first crisis struck.

I've made many mistakes, many serious and many that would make me stop and shudder,

but if there's any that really gets my breathing ragged and hard,

it would be me leaving you in the face of such problems.

Now we are ripped away, I left, and you retreated back to your world.

Whatever that could have been will never be now, and that is how it will stay.

I see you sometimes, and wonder it was entirely my fault that the sweet girl I loved

changed so much, to hurled into darker sides of life than ever before.

Would we have stayed in our little bubble,

if we stayed?

I'll never know the answer, and I am a coward.

I wanted to say sorry for what I've done,

and also that I'm truly in sorrow of what came across us.

I'm only happy that you are continuing to live a life Lia,

but our book must close, like everybody else's at some point.

We've uttered words of love once,

yet we must now say goodbye.

Dealing with me.

I wish you knew how to deal with me better.

When I push you away, know that I don't mean it, for I can't live without you.

When I shout at you, know that it is a burst of frustration but nothing that is set in stone - it is a transient feeling that will disappear as soon as it appears,

and also know that, my anger normally comes from myself; most of it is directed at me.

When I say i don't want to be with you anymore, know that it is a grave mistake that I made, I probably would regret saying that to you afterwards.

So, when I push you away, be there for me,

until you know for sure that I don't want you, which

you will know by my stony, unreactive, emotionless appearance and speech.

So when I shout at you, please forgive me,

then hug me tight so that I can calm down then apologize.

So when I say I don't want to be with you anymore,

hold onto me tight,

and don't let me walk away,

because it may well be the biggest mistake of my life.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to see you. That's really what I want, and I hoped that over the holiday we'd be finally able to spend some more time together, be more close.

I'ts not just about sex, you know. I don't know what it is, but without you I feel utterly alone.

Sure I have other friends besides just you. but they are distant in comparison to what we are. And because I have nothing to do at home but just lounge about with absolutely nothing to do, no game, no movies no nothing, probably that's why I want you around me.

Yea, I'll admit, I'm getting obsessive these past few days. If i'm not seeing you, I'm not with anybody. It's not like I keep this superficial yet somewhat stronger-than-mine ties with my mother, like you do. WHen we are home, we don't do anything but keep to our own business. And if it means that while keeping to my own business is just reading these cheap action packed novels with nothing to show for it, I will get frustrated and bored out of my mind.

I really wanted to go today, but what really held me back was you getting this weird stares from others. I knew it was a class outing, and it meant that you probably wouldn't have wanted me there unless there were other guests. I understand that. Plus, others won't have felt much comfortable around me, because the only legible tie I have there is you.

Sure, I know Ha min and Dae Yong, but they don't add up to much, to be honest, does it?

And you know, I really should have checked whether other people are going . I shouldn't have just made you check, given that it was me who wanted to go, right? I'm not even going to make excuses for this one. I wanted to ask, but that'd have looked like I was so desperate to go, so that didn't look good. Yea, i care for my image, as much as I do for yours.

Now i'm just being irrational, and I'm really annoyed right now. In the end, so many people came, and it's just eating into me. It's too late now, yea, but it just annoying. in the end even Hernando and his bloody girlfriend came, and wasn't that the reason why I decided not to go? the fact that Hernando wasn't coming with her gf? in the end, i feel like i'm the only one left behind. Sure you didn't mean it, but the ending was all the same anyway.

While I'm at this, I might as well as let the rest of my anger out. Why does your bloody mother not let you and me get close but not Anders? Sure I'm some ugly piece of shit that she wouldn't want her daughter to be with, fine. I'm ugly, and I know that anyway. But hell, she is so nice towards Anders and not me. And all because I'm Korean who will beat you up right. FUCKING HELL beat you up? HA give that to the dogs.

And I'm unreasonably feeling jealous, beyond anyone's imagination, that Anders can just simply walk into your house and be welcome by your family, while I have to sneak in and finally get caught in such an embarassing manner for both of us?

This is so tiring. I want to stay with you but so much are against us, I don't even know how to make this a happy ending.

지금 시간은 2시12분....

밤바람이 싱가폴 답지 않게 시원해지는 시각이다.

요새도 지딴엔 겨울이라고 참 시원한 바람을 날려주신다....

단지 낮에는 햇볓이 좀 들지만 그래도 싱가폴 여름에 비해서는 새발에 피라고 할수 있는듯 하다.

요새 바람이 밤에 세게 불어서, 문을 쾅쾅 닫을즈음 되면, 난 항상 생각하게 되는 게 있다.

"이 바람에 나를 맡겨서 날아갈 수 있다면..... 나를 땅에 붙박아 둔 건 뭐일까. 내 꿈이 나한테 무거워 진 것은 아닐까?"

식상한 말이다.

그런데 어찌할꼬, 그게 사실인 것을.

이런 모든 고생을 뛰어 넘어서 꿈만 거미쥐고 날아오를 수 있다면 뭐든지 할 수있을 거 같다.

그런데, 이런 고생들을 다 건너뛰면 그건 내 꿈이라고 할 수 있을까...?

한국말로 글써보는건 참 오랜만인데....하여튼!

요새 참 하늘이 낮아보인다.

새파란것이 구름도 별로 없어서 저 천장이 참 높게 느껴질뻔한데,

이 어찌된게 참 하늘이 낮아보인다. 저 하늘에다가 내 근심걱정을

달아놓아서 그런가보다.

저 높은 천막이 조금씩

조금씩

축 처지더니

이제 결국 내가 손을 올려보면 만져질만큼 낮게

낮게

내려앉았다. 그래서 어느 순간 커피 한캔을 손에 들고

다른 손으로 하늘을 향해 손을 들어본다. 아뿔싸,

느껴지는 공허는 무엇이리.

손을 내렸다.

그런데 아직도 하늘은 축 늘어앉아있다.

한번만 톡 하고 뛰어오르면 머리를

꿍~ 하고 박아버릴 것같이 위협하는 저 하늘은 뭐일까.

내 근심을 버려야 저 하늘이 좀 제자리를 찾아 올라갈까.

Love Story

Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' depicts the story of Romeo and Juliet, with a happy twist.

Instead of the tragic death for the star crossed lovers, a romantic 'gone with the wind' style ending happens. It is an ending most lovers my age would wish for.

Yet I ask myself just how many will actually end up as such. How many 'high school sweethearts' end up marrying, like in the good old 60s and 70s? Not many, I'd hazard a guess. Because, as high school students(and about to enter college), the odds stacked against us are too great.

The odds go by many names; principally, it takes its form as 'reality'. No mater how strong our love is, how naive we are, how strong a resolve that we keep, we finally come to despair at the huge wall that sprouts out to divide us.

Sometimes spontaneously like earthquake changing the geography of our relationship, it renders our effort to draw the map of our love, our minds, useless. It's also known as parental intervention.

In other cases, it's slower, more gradual, manifesting itself like vines and ivy against brick wall, slowly crawling up, until each of us are gone from the other's view. No maps will help then. Nor will anything else.

Another takes form of nobility(sometimes it comes with the prefix of 'foolish') Not much for guys, a girl's time for 'viable' marriage is limited. To be frank, there's only a certain period of time where girl is physically attractive, and it would be best for the girl if she meets various men before that time is expired. Arguably, it is no longer the 19th century where the woman's beauty and the amount of endowment were the only concerns in marriage, yet woman's transient beauty is a definite factor. Some guys feel that it may not be the best for him to stay with a girl too long knowing that the guy won't be marrying her.

I'm more of the latter, combined with everything else.

I ask myself whether all this is just a clever ruse on my part to self-justify.

To be frank, I do not know. The only thing I do know is that my feelings have not gone cold. It's hot, and it's still burning. What I do not know is how to handle the end, if it comes, because it will hurt me just as much as it hurts her. Not again will I be the man who walks away feeling freed instead of hurt. Yet the ending will be similar, I fear.

"He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet

You'll never have to be alone

I love you and that's all I really know

I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress

It's a love story, baby just say yes"

But sweetheart, I can't say yes with the lightest of heart.