Dealing with me.

I wish you knew how to deal with me better.

When I push you away, know that I don't mean it, for I can't live without you.

When I shout at you, know that it is a burst of frustration but nothing that is set in stone - it is a transient feeling that will disappear as soon as it appears,

and also know that, my anger normally comes from myself; most of it is directed at me.

When I say i don't want to be with you anymore, know that it is a grave mistake that I made, I probably would regret saying that to you afterwards.

So, when I push you away, be there for me,

until you know for sure that I don't want you, which

you will know by my stony, unreactive, emotionless appearance and speech.

So when I shout at you, please forgive me,

then hug me tight so that I can calm down then apologize.

So when I say I don't want to be with you anymore,

hold onto me tight,

and don't let me walk away,

because it may well be the biggest mistake of my life.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to see you. That's really what I want, and I hoped that over the holiday we'd be finally able to spend some more time together, be more close.

I'ts not just about sex, you know. I don't know what it is, but without you I feel utterly alone.

Sure I have other friends besides just you. but they are distant in comparison to what we are. And because I have nothing to do at home but just lounge about with absolutely nothing to do, no game, no movies no nothing, probably that's why I want you around me.

Yea, I'll admit, I'm getting obsessive these past few days. If i'm not seeing you, I'm not with anybody. It's not like I keep this superficial yet somewhat stronger-than-mine ties with my mother, like you do. WHen we are home, we don't do anything but keep to our own business. And if it means that while keeping to my own business is just reading these cheap action packed novels with nothing to show for it, I will get frustrated and bored out of my mind.

I really wanted to go today, but what really held me back was you getting this weird stares from others. I knew it was a class outing, and it meant that you probably wouldn't have wanted me there unless there were other guests. I understand that. Plus, others won't have felt much comfortable around me, because the only legible tie I have there is you.

Sure, I know Ha min and Dae Yong, but they don't add up to much, to be honest, does it?

And you know, I really should have checked whether other people are going . I shouldn't have just made you check, given that it was me who wanted to go, right? I'm not even going to make excuses for this one. I wanted to ask, but that'd have looked like I was so desperate to go, so that didn't look good. Yea, i care for my image, as much as I do for yours.

Now i'm just being irrational, and I'm really annoyed right now. In the end, so many people came, and it's just eating into me. It's too late now, yea, but it just annoying. in the end even Hernando and his bloody girlfriend came, and wasn't that the reason why I decided not to go? the fact that Hernando wasn't coming with her gf? in the end, i feel like i'm the only one left behind. Sure you didn't mean it, but the ending was all the same anyway.

While I'm at this, I might as well as let the rest of my anger out. Why does your bloody mother not let you and me get close but not Anders? Sure I'm some ugly piece of shit that she wouldn't want her daughter to be with, fine. I'm ugly, and I know that anyway. But hell, she is so nice towards Anders and not me. And all because I'm Korean who will beat you up right. FUCKING HELL beat you up? HA give that to the dogs.

And I'm unreasonably feeling jealous, beyond anyone's imagination, that Anders can just simply walk into your house and be welcome by your family, while I have to sneak in and finally get caught in such an embarassing manner for both of us?

This is so tiring. I want to stay with you but so much are against us, I don't even know how to make this a happy ending.

지금 시간은 2시12분....

밤바람이 싱가폴 답지 않게 시원해지는 시각이다.

요새도 지딴엔 겨울이라고 참 시원한 바람을 날려주신다....

단지 낮에는 햇볓이 좀 들지만 그래도 싱가폴 여름에 비해서는 새발에 피라고 할수 있는듯 하다.

요새 바람이 밤에 세게 불어서, 문을 쾅쾅 닫을즈음 되면, 난 항상 생각하게 되는 게 있다.

"이 바람에 나를 맡겨서 날아갈 수 있다면..... 나를 땅에 붙박아 둔 건 뭐일까. 내 꿈이 나한테 무거워 진 것은 아닐까?"

식상한 말이다.

그런데 어찌할꼬, 그게 사실인 것을.

이런 모든 고생을 뛰어 넘어서 꿈만 거미쥐고 날아오를 수 있다면 뭐든지 할 수있을 거 같다.

그런데, 이런 고생들을 다 건너뛰면 그건 내 꿈이라고 할 수 있을까...?

한국말로 글써보는건 참 오랜만인데....하여튼!

요새 참 하늘이 낮아보인다.

새파란것이 구름도 별로 없어서 저 천장이 참 높게 느껴질뻔한데,

이 어찌된게 참 하늘이 낮아보인다. 저 하늘에다가 내 근심걱정을

달아놓아서 그런가보다.

저 높은 천막이 조금씩

조금씩

축 처지더니

이제 결국 내가 손을 올려보면 만져질만큼 낮게

낮게

내려앉았다. 그래서 어느 순간 커피 한캔을 손에 들고

다른 손으로 하늘을 향해 손을 들어본다. 아뿔싸,

느껴지는 공허는 무엇이리.

손을 내렸다.

그런데 아직도 하늘은 축 늘어앉아있다.

한번만 톡 하고 뛰어오르면 머리를

꿍~ 하고 박아버릴 것같이 위협하는 저 하늘은 뭐일까.

내 근심을 버려야 저 하늘이 좀 제자리를 찾아 올라갈까.

Love Story

Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' depicts the story of Romeo and Juliet, with a happy twist.

Instead of the tragic death for the star crossed lovers, a romantic 'gone with the wind' style ending happens. It is an ending most lovers my age would wish for.

Yet I ask myself just how many will actually end up as such. How many 'high school sweethearts' end up marrying, like in the good old 60s and 70s? Not many, I'd hazard a guess. Because, as high school students(and about to enter college), the odds stacked against us are too great.

The odds go by many names; principally, it takes its form as 'reality'. No mater how strong our love is, how naive we are, how strong a resolve that we keep, we finally come to despair at the huge wall that sprouts out to divide us.

Sometimes spontaneously like earthquake changing the geography of our relationship, it renders our effort to draw the map of our love, our minds, useless. It's also known as parental intervention.

In other cases, it's slower, more gradual, manifesting itself like vines and ivy against brick wall, slowly crawling up, until each of us are gone from the other's view. No maps will help then. Nor will anything else.

Another takes form of nobility(sometimes it comes with the prefix of 'foolish') Not much for guys, a girl's time for 'viable' marriage is limited. To be frank, there's only a certain period of time where girl is physically attractive, and it would be best for the girl if she meets various men before that time is expired. Arguably, it is no longer the 19th century where the woman's beauty and the amount of endowment were the only concerns in marriage, yet woman's transient beauty is a definite factor. Some guys feel that it may not be the best for him to stay with a girl too long knowing that the guy won't be marrying her.

I'm more of the latter, combined with everything else.

I ask myself whether all this is just a clever ruse on my part to self-justify.

To be frank, I do not know. The only thing I do know is that my feelings have not gone cold. It's hot, and it's still burning. What I do not know is how to handle the end, if it comes, because it will hurt me just as much as it hurts her. Not again will I be the man who walks away feeling freed instead of hurt. Yet the ending will be similar, I fear.

"He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet

You'll never have to be alone

I love you and that's all I really know

I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress

It's a love story, baby just say yes"

But sweetheart, I can't say yes with the lightest of heart.