Endure.

I feel like I'm being ripped apart. Time passes like a bullet when you are having fun, they say right? That ain't wrong. It's actually damn true.

It feels so bad for me to think about all this when I have so much commitments and workloads to juggle around the whole time, and I have two more weeks to keep that juggling going, then I'm off, then at least I'll have only one thing to focus on, though that IFP conference isn't going to be easy.

Right now all I can care about is you. I can't think about anything else. And it sucks that I can't spend a damn weekend with you. I'm sure you are the one who is having a hard time right now, but hon, I have to say it hasn't been exactly easy for me either. It's hard to keep up with what I want and what I have to do and most of all, parents.

I go against everything in the world these days.... I have to keep up with work and my parents which are tiring. The only support I get is you.....as sad as that sounds haha.

as time goes by you are like a drug. I need you more.

And I just learned in chemistry, you build the tolerance for the desired effects of the drug so you must take more every time, but the actual tolerance for the side effects do not increase.

I guess that's what's happening. I need more of you to survive but the withdrawal symptoms or side effects greater and greater....till I overdose lol.

What can I do? Nothing other than endure I guess.

So I will.

Choices.

As cliche as it sounds, everything is made up of choices that we make every moment. Choices can be about trivial things, like how we can choose between cereal and toast for breakfast, and also heavy choices must be made, matter of life and death, crossing the point of no return.

And I passed that point of no return. Now I am headed for a really unhappy ending or really unlikely happy ending. To which one I would go, I have no idea.

I try to tell myself that there's grim hope that the ending may not be so to the extreme; perhaps there's a 'middle path' that I may be able to follow, choose. But I know more than enough by now that this middle path is virtually nothing but an imaginary choice that we like to think that we have.

Thus the fact that I do not like to take up responsibility especially when it comes to love, the reason is quite obvious; as cowardly as it may sound, I am afraid of being hurt. That is the same with other things; the position of responsibility and power is attractive; but the higher you go, the longer the fall. So this time i decided to keep out of it, to stay off it until i'm sure.

To be honest I'm not sure whether I have given this enough thought.

But one thing's definitely sure though:

I am now committed to choice, and I'm going to uphold that. If it hurts, and at the end of all this I can already foresee a broken pieces of hearts on the floor, then so be it.

I just wish the times that we have left before are worth all that pain. Only if we had more time.

Priorities

We all have to juggle so much stuff in our lives.

That we definitely do.

We are forever dancing to and fro

between studies, friends, parents, activities,

and love.

Doesn't it hurt to know,

when your life is heading up,

with your love kindled in your heart,

that it will all go to end

to go down in a fiery crash,

all down to a storm in a teacup.

I prioritized you...

I know I know people told me

I should prioritize other things,

that feelings that come by during these years, are nothing more than transitory,

that they will all come to pass,

that they are unnecessary burdens that blind your judgment.

People call me a hopeless romantic,

a head-over-heel guy,

an idiot who cannot think straight.

I prioritized you.

I can't do anything else than but so.

I am what I am that cannot change.

As much as I would like to change that,

perhaps I should.

But I don't want to.

I prioritized you.

Sometimes I hope all the things I do are worth the effort.

Sometimes I wonder if all the things I go through are worth the whole thing....

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting in too much effort....

am I? I don't know.....

but I do feel for you. only if things were better....

Waiting.

Warning: this was inspired during a really really overreacting situation.

Now that i look back this is complete nonsense.

I wait.

Sat on my desk,

staring at my phone,

refreshing my email,

staring at my internet page,

I wait.

I wait.

It's been 10 minutes.

She said she'll come online.

Oh wait she has tuition it's probably ending late.

I guess I'll just do more homework.

I wait.

I wait.

It's been 30 minutes.

There is no word from her.

No text message to tell me any news.

I guess she is just busy with her homework.

What if....nah.

I wait.

I wait.

It's been 1 hour.

Nothing yet.

I talk to my friends, wondering the whole time,

where could she be?

What if....no that didn't happen.

I'm overreacting.

I wait.

I wait.

It's been 2 hours.

Nothing still.

Where could she be?

She could be out with her friends...

true that.

But what if her mom found out?

That probably didn't happen.

But what if....

I wait.

I wait.

A call out to her.

The phone is in use.

Oh god. what now.

She wouldn't be using that phone to call anyone.

What could it be?

I panic.

My heart feels as if it was being gripped by someone.

Wait, a message!

She is ok. Thank god.

We are safe for another day....

when can we stop worrying?

We are hiding from the world to be together....

I am not the best boyfriend,

nor am i the best person you could ever know.

But we certainly do not deserve this.

It's time for us to unfurl our wings....

Lest it be broken or degenerate from years of neglect.