Self punishment.

I don't know why but I find myself listening to All about the rain by Alex Akimov over and over again.

Watching the video, I feel myself wincing over and over again and empathizing with the protagonist of the video.

And you know what, it hurts, but it's satisfying.

Where did it all go wrong....

It's all about the rain, that's all.

여기에서 난 내 삶의 반을 보냈어.

근데 여기서 유종의 미는 커녕 아무것도 걷지 못해가네.

친구도 잃고,

연인도 잃고,

여기서 남겨가는건 좋은 교육, 그거 하나다.

오늘로 이제 미련이 없어지는듯 해.

정말 아주 깔끔하게 미련을 버리게 해주더라고, 사람들이.

시험 봐야되니까 가서 마음 흔들어놓다던가 하는 나쁜짓은 안할께.

시험 다 끝나고 여기를 떠난 뒤에 봐.

보고싶어.

보고싶어. 여기 버리고 다른곳에서

what am i thinking nowadays.

I thought you might chase after me and say something.

Thought you might somehow grab me and tell me it's not what I think it is.

Thought you might be more outright than just looking at facebook.

Thought you might be more caring than just giving me a careless caress and silently ignoring my question.

If you want to sort something out, then do it.

Don't expect me to be the only one digging for answers.

I guess I fucked up big time yesterday.

Yea sure, I made it awkward for you didn't I.

I guess Anders is a lot better in that regards isn't he?

Why I'm feeling jealous that he's so close to you I don't know.

Maybe it's because I have noone here,

because I just saw and heard you say you will just pass the ipod to Anders,

only to see that a second later you are nowhere to be found.

And when I did find you, you were just away,

I'm not even sure if you forgot what you said or you didn't care.

Probably both.

And now I'm here trying to console my tired heart,

revisiting the places that we've been to

trying to think why and where it had gone wrong,

and trying to remember the times that we've had in school.

Now I sit where only we did,

where only we laid down

only we kept our secrets.

Do you remember?

Would you even read this in time?

Check my blog?

Do you care?

Being realistic and heartless are two different things.

I guess you are already gearing up to move on.

Can't blame you, and you should probably be doing that.

Because I'll never be the perfect, infinitely patient man you are looking for.

And when you do move on, I guess that will be the end then. No ties, no friendship, and no memories for me to look at.

And what will happen then, I wonder.

Because the apologies and reminiscence and longing only works when you do it a short while after,

Because when you actually say them, it's never in time for people meant for it to hear.

저지른 짓이 너무 많고, 잘못도 너무 많고, 죄도 많기에,

앞으로 짊어지고 갈 것들이 너무 많다.

어디서 부터 어떻게 잘못됬는지도 모를만큼 이상해져버렸다.

설사 넘지 말아야지 하는 것들도 넘어버리게 되는, 그런 인생.

도덕의 선이라는, 인간이 넘지 말아야되는 그 선 자체가 불분명한 이런 인생 어떻게 이해해야 하는가.

이해 할 수는 있는가.

이해 해야하기는 하는가.

살기 싫을 만큼 죄의 무게가 무겁다.

더럽다. 어떻게 해야할지 모를만큼 더럽다.

싫다. 죽도록 여기서 도망가고 싶다.

아프다. 여기서 하루 하루 서서 혼자라는 외로움이 내 살을 도려내는 것을 멈추고 싶다.

다시 시작하면 이런것들 다 버리고 가벼워질 수 있을까.

내 손이 다시 피와 흙이 묻지 않은 사람 손이 될 수 있을까.

단지 죄만 버리고 간다고 바뀌는게 있기는 할까.

앞으로 다시 이런 일을 저지르지 않을 자신이 있는가.

내 업보는 지고 가야될거 같다.

한 평생 반도 안살았는데 지은 죄는 누구보다도 무거운 듯 하다.

So people will talk. So what?

Dream

I dreamt last night.

Whether it was a dream infused with my wildest imagination, I don't know.

I dreamt of you talking to me.

I dreamt that conversation taking place again.

I dreamt of us talking again.

That will probably not happen for a long time to come.

Perhaps never.

왜 눈물은 흐르는걸까 근데....

나는 두렵습니다.

나는 무섭습니다.

나는 도망갑니다.

나는 겁쟁이,

잘못해놓고 도망가는 겁쟁이

상처받기 싫어 도망가는 겁쟁이

상처주기 싫어 도망가는 겁쟁이

거짓말에 거짓말에 거짓말로 자신을 감싸서 자신을 숨기는 겁쟁이

더럽고 추악한 자신을 보기 싫어 자신마저 거짓말로 속이는 겁쟁이

다 까발린 상황에서도 깨져버린 거짓의 파편들로 내 두 눈 가려보죠,

마치 괴물 앞에서 도망가기는 커녕 그냥 눈을 감아버리는 바보처럼

마치 칼 앞에 모든 것을 포기한 약한 사람처럼

마치 시한부 인생이 자신을 던저버리는 것처럼

가장 모두를 위하는 척하다가도 가장 작은 문제에 등을 돌려버리는 나는

세상에서 가장 이기적인,

가장 나쁜,

가장 악질인,

겁쟁이 입니다.

A walk

Let us walk away with a whistle on our lips,

laughter on our tongues,

smile in our eyes,

straight shoulders,

loose fists and,

jovial mood in our stride.

So that we may hide

the hurts

the tears

the sad endings

the fears

the crazies

that we hold in our hearts.

So that we may act as if

nothing's wrong,

that this is just temporary,

that this is just for a few days,

that this is just a small thing,

that this is just a transient pass

that we'll forget, with another to push this by.

So that we may not

have to face our faults,

the dirt,

the paint,

the blood

on our hands.

So that we may not

tarnish the memories,

the happy,

the sad,

the angry,

the fearful,

all which make up a beautiful picture of the time gone by.

So let us walk away with a whistle on our lips,

laughter on our tongues,

smile in our eyes,

straight shoulders,

loose fists and,

jovial mood in our stride,

because our time was the most beautiful in its own way.

And when we return,

may we have the strength to smile and greet each other with open arms.

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I'm a coward, that I realize.

I guess I have come to what it is.

I have to say, I'm sorry that things had to turn out this way.