나는 두렵습니다.

나는 무섭습니다.

나는 도망갑니다.

나는 겁쟁이,

잘못해놓고 도망가는 겁쟁이

상처받기 싫어 도망가는 겁쟁이

상처주기 싫어 도망가는 겁쟁이

거짓말에 거짓말에 거짓말로 자신을 감싸서 자신을 숨기는 겁쟁이

더럽고 추악한 자신을 보기 싫어 자신마저 거짓말로 속이는 겁쟁이

다 까발린 상황에서도 깨져버린 거짓의 파편들로 내 두 눈 가려보죠,

마치 괴물 앞에서 도망가기는 커녕 그냥 눈을 감아버리는 바보처럼

마치 칼 앞에 모든 것을 포기한 약한 사람처럼

마치 시한부 인생이 자신을 던저버리는 것처럼

가장 모두를 위하는 척하다가도 가장 작은 문제에 등을 돌려버리는 나는

세상에서 가장 이기적인,

가장 나쁜,

가장 악질인,

겁쟁이 입니다.

A walk

Let us walk away with a whistle on our lips,

laughter on our tongues,

smile in our eyes,

straight shoulders,

loose fists and,

jovial mood in our stride.

So that we may hide

the hurts

the tears

the sad endings

the fears

the crazies

that we hold in our hearts.

So that we may act as if

nothing's wrong,

that this is just temporary,

that this is just for a few days,

that this is just a small thing,

that this is just a transient pass

that we'll forget, with another to push this by.

So that we may not

have to face our faults,

the dirt,

the paint,

the blood

on our hands.

So that we may not

tarnish the memories,

the happy,

the sad,

the angry,

the fearful,

all which make up a beautiful picture of the time gone by.

So let us walk away with a whistle on our lips,

laughter on our tongues,

smile in our eyes,

straight shoulders,

loose fists and,

jovial mood in our stride,

because our time was the most beautiful in its own way.

And when we return,

may we have the strength to smile and greet each other with open arms.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a coward, that I realize.

I guess I have come to what it is.

I have to say, I'm sorry that things had to turn out this way.

All about the rain

I don't really look back in my life.

I'll have my share of mistakes and regrets, but I don't lock myself in it.

Rather, I just push through until I make it.

Or, until I make the same mistake again.

I watched a video, a music video by Alex Feather Akimov.

It's called All about the rain.

The story was so similar to ours, only in a different place with music in the background.

Makes me wonder where we stand now.

I'm with another girl, happy nonetheless,

and you, drifted away from my world, in another where things are a shade darker,

after a few boys of course.

We used to stand in the grey between the two worlds.

We compromised, to create a world for ourselves where everything was to our liking.

We both sacrificed and we both gained, to make some changes that may not be reversible.

We promised each other things that could not be.

Was it my cunning or my naivety, I'll never know.

Had I promised you false sense of security so that I could take you one night?

Only to run away when the first crisis struck.

I've made many mistakes, many serious and many that would make me stop and shudder,

but if there's any that really gets my breathing ragged and hard,

it would be me leaving you in the face of such problems.

Now we are ripped away, I left, and you retreated back to your world.

Whatever that could have been will never be now, and that is how it will stay.

I see you sometimes, and wonder it was entirely my fault that the sweet girl I loved

changed so much, to hurled into darker sides of life than ever before.

Would we have stayed in our little bubble,

if we stayed?

I'll never know the answer, and I am a coward.

I wanted to say sorry for what I've done,

and also that I'm truly in sorrow of what came across us.

I'm only happy that you are continuing to live a life Lia,

but our book must close, like everybody else's at some point.

We've uttered words of love once,

yet we must now say goodbye.

Dealing with me.

I wish you knew how to deal with me better.

When I push you away, know that I don't mean it, for I can't live without you.

When I shout at you, know that it is a burst of frustration but nothing that is set in stone - it is a transient feeling that will disappear as soon as it appears,

and also know that, my anger normally comes from myself; most of it is directed at me.

When I say i don't want to be with you anymore, know that it is a grave mistake that I made, I probably would regret saying that to you afterwards.

So, when I push you away, be there for me,

until you know for sure that I don't want you, which

you will know by my stony, unreactive, emotionless appearance and speech.

So when I shout at you, please forgive me,

then hug me tight so that I can calm down then apologize.

So when I say I don't want to be with you anymore,

hold onto me tight,

and don't let me walk away,

because it may well be the biggest mistake of my life.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to see you. That's really what I want, and I hoped that over the holiday we'd be finally able to spend some more time together, be more close.

I'ts not just about sex, you know. I don't know what it is, but without you I feel utterly alone.

Sure I have other friends besides just you. but they are distant in comparison to what we are. And because I have nothing to do at home but just lounge about with absolutely nothing to do, no game, no movies no nothing, probably that's why I want you around me.

Yea, I'll admit, I'm getting obsessive these past few days. If i'm not seeing you, I'm not with anybody. It's not like I keep this superficial yet somewhat stronger-than-mine ties with my mother, like you do. WHen we are home, we don't do anything but keep to our own business. And if it means that while keeping to my own business is just reading these cheap action packed novels with nothing to show for it, I will get frustrated and bored out of my mind.

I really wanted to go today, but what really held me back was you getting this weird stares from others. I knew it was a class outing, and it meant that you probably wouldn't have wanted me there unless there were other guests. I understand that. Plus, others won't have felt much comfortable around me, because the only legible tie I have there is you.

Sure, I know Ha min and Dae Yong, but they don't add up to much, to be honest, does it?

And you know, I really should have checked whether other people are going . I shouldn't have just made you check, given that it was me who wanted to go, right? I'm not even going to make excuses for this one. I wanted to ask, but that'd have looked like I was so desperate to go, so that didn't look good. Yea, i care for my image, as much as I do for yours.

Now i'm just being irrational, and I'm really annoyed right now. In the end, so many people came, and it's just eating into me. It's too late now, yea, but it just annoying. in the end even Hernando and his bloody girlfriend came, and wasn't that the reason why I decided not to go? the fact that Hernando wasn't coming with her gf? in the end, i feel like i'm the only one left behind. Sure you didn't mean it, but the ending was all the same anyway.

While I'm at this, I might as well as let the rest of my anger out. Why does your bloody mother not let you and me get close but not Anders? Sure I'm some ugly piece of shit that she wouldn't want her daughter to be with, fine. I'm ugly, and I know that anyway. But hell, she is so nice towards Anders and not me. And all because I'm Korean who will beat you up right. FUCKING HELL beat you up? HA give that to the dogs.

And I'm unreasonably feeling jealous, beyond anyone's imagination, that Anders can just simply walk into your house and be welcome by your family, while I have to sneak in and finally get caught in such an embarassing manner for both of us?

This is so tiring. I want to stay with you but so much are against us, I don't even know how to make this a happy ending.

지금 시간은 2시12분....

밤바람이 싱가폴 답지 않게 시원해지는 시각이다.

요새도 지딴엔 겨울이라고 참 시원한 바람을 날려주신다....

단지 낮에는 햇볓이 좀 들지만 그래도 싱가폴 여름에 비해서는 새발에 피라고 할수 있는듯 하다.

요새 바람이 밤에 세게 불어서, 문을 쾅쾅 닫을즈음 되면, 난 항상 생각하게 되는 게 있다.

"이 바람에 나를 맡겨서 날아갈 수 있다면..... 나를 땅에 붙박아 둔 건 뭐일까. 내 꿈이 나한테 무거워 진 것은 아닐까?"

식상한 말이다.

그런데 어찌할꼬, 그게 사실인 것을.

이런 모든 고생을 뛰어 넘어서 꿈만 거미쥐고 날아오를 수 있다면 뭐든지 할 수있을 거 같다.

그런데, 이런 고생들을 다 건너뛰면 그건 내 꿈이라고 할 수 있을까...?

한국말로 글써보는건 참 오랜만인데....하여튼!

요새 참 하늘이 낮아보인다.

새파란것이 구름도 별로 없어서 저 천장이 참 높게 느껴질뻔한데,

이 어찌된게 참 하늘이 낮아보인다. 저 하늘에다가 내 근심걱정을

달아놓아서 그런가보다.

저 높은 천막이 조금씩

조금씩

축 처지더니

이제 결국 내가 손을 올려보면 만져질만큼 낮게

낮게

내려앉았다. 그래서 어느 순간 커피 한캔을 손에 들고

다른 손으로 하늘을 향해 손을 들어본다. 아뿔싸,

느껴지는 공허는 무엇이리.

손을 내렸다.

그런데 아직도 하늘은 축 늘어앉아있다.

한번만 톡 하고 뛰어오르면 머리를

꿍~ 하고 박아버릴 것같이 위협하는 저 하늘은 뭐일까.

내 근심을 버려야 저 하늘이 좀 제자리를 찾아 올라갈까.