Let me just describe to you how this feels.
It's the feeling of being pushed away,
the push, it is an act of distancing one away from another.
It is not just a physical distance, nor does it only come across as a gentle pressure.
It is a push to the heart, and heart against the wall.
Heart screams, but no-one can hear.
It's the feeling of facing smiles,
smiles that you know are fake,
smiles that normally accompany nice words,
that rings hollow in your ears.
It's the feeling of forcing down substances down your dry lips,
your lips and throat protest in turn, that it hurts, that it burns.
Yet can you stop.
You know you don't really like drinking or smoking, especially alone.
But you do it anyway, because you have nothing else to do.
And when you finally feel brave enough, or careless enough,
you will pick up your phone,
you will dial up that number,
and when you do, you won't be able to talk.
But you knew that. You still want to see her,
you think you'll be able to talk when you are face-to-face but -
deep inside you know you won't be able to. You shrug off that feeling.
You walk to her place.
To confirm that you killed your heart a long while back.
You heartless bastard.
