I'm a liar. A damned good one. I can weave words together into sentences that let me get anything that I want. Persuade, coax, tempt, tell...everything. I have built this elaborate world of lies around the closest people. It lifts me up, up from the place that I'm supposed to be around to make me look better, to shroud them in lies that mask my true self, true, disgusting, low, self. The mask, this fake facet that I made just crashed around me. Destroyed in every manner imaginable, destroyed in such a fiery spectacle that it will never, ever hope to be reconstructed.
All that's left behind is ashes and ruins. In a way, it's nice that it all ended. Now it's nothing. No more. It all went out with a bang. And I probably won't be able to build that again. I don't want to return. As feeble as it sounds, I don't want to continue this life of lies anymore. I need to rebuild my lies. It won't work like this again. It can't work like this again. I want a normal relationship with my parents. I need to get everything out of my life. I need to throw away everything unnecessary, evil, dirty, disgusting, bad, everything. At least until I become adults, I need to learn what's right and what's wrong. Not on rulebooks and law codes, but using morals and ethics that I never knew that I lacked so badly in my life. Until now.
How foolish was I to imagine that I was a whole, proper human being? I lacked so many things that humans are meant to have. The worst thing is that everybody was locked in my lies, including myself, nobody could see the true menace that I am. How dare I call myself someone worthy of love? worthy of human? worthy of life? Before I was confident, to the point of being arrogant. Now I am afraid to give myself even the smallest credit. I can't.
I need to restart. I need to rebuild my world. Not a world of lies but a world of truth. I have once built for myself an identity of masks and an identity of lies and superficial greatness to others. That needs to stop now. My identity needs to be straight as arrow and pierce the whole of my very core - it needs to show others as I am and it needs to show myself as I am. The darkness within me is building up too much - it feels as if it's consuming me. It feels as if it's leaking out of the masks that I have built, I have made... I can't continue this. I can't keep this up.
I was too foolish, too cocky to think even for once that I could be on the both sides of the fence. No humans can. Once you enter the darker side of life you can't turn back. But I need to. I feel as if I've already passed the point of no return. But I need to stop now. I need to turn around, come across the fence and stay there. Stay in the light.
I'm afraid to show my true self....I dunno how people do that. People say that to show your true self and to do so without being so afraid I must be proud and not embarassed of myself.
The very fact that I am afraid shows that I have something to hide I guess.
But some things....just some things seem as if it's not bad.....
Is it me too desensitized by the darker side or is it because i've been too westernized?
I need to change....and I wish I could see the world as my mother did.
I really do.....
